Early Christmas morning I was standing in the kitchen. I was holding my grandson Cristian in my arms, 2010 is his first Christmas. We were planning for some ‘after presents’ deli provided by my mother-in-law from Bagel Cafe.  In preparation I was talking to my wife, Cristian’s Gwamma, as she was reaching past us to grab a bowl from the cupbord. I made the move to step back to allow Stacey some more room to retrieve the bowl. I had no knowledge that right behind the back of my legs the oven door had just been opened by Cristian’s mommy, Jessy. The precise placement of the door to the back of my legs caused me to lose my balance. With the safety of my 11 month grandson in my arms complicating my peril. I made a reactionary reach for the stovetop. That was a mistake as I felt my arm starting to burn I instinctively pulled away I now felt option-less. I was going to fall, end of story. Now my sole interest is to fall in such a way that Cristian’s harm would be minimal, if possible. I moved to keep Cristian Jay above me and my back would land parallel to the open door. It worked! I may have squeezed my grandson to my chest much harder than a comfortable level. The real damage was to my emotions and the crushed oven door. The front glass on the door was shattered to bits and no one was cut. The door took the shape of my backside and to my surprise the damage does not fall under Whirlpool’s warranty specific’s. In hindsight I continued replay the what seemed like a slow-motion fall and I failed to understand how the pot of boiling water did not fall from the stove. I was certain that the two of us would spend a few days in a burn unit.  An event that shakes you up even though you are immediately comforted by my loved ones. It could easily have had a much different outcome and further solidifying my faith and belief in guardian angels. It will be a Christmas to remember. The reason I am writing this is one day and with no recollection of the incident Cristian can read my perspective of his first Christmas.

This is What Really Matters

My family  means everything in the world to me. This is my inspiration that drives me forward each and every day. 2010 with out a doubt has been scattered with personal misfortune. #*it HAPPENS. However it is erased by the birth of Cristian Jay in February of this year. Cristian and Adrian are the shoulders I stand on.  My daughter and her marriage is to be admired. Raising a family that is full of fun and laughter each and everyday. My wife is second to none. She is remarkably resilient, she champions me, and is tireless when it comes to loving and doing for our family and me. I have also have good reason to believe I have joined my precious wife as a survivor (SU2C). Early detection is the answer to that trick. Not everyone gets to be this lucky in life.

An attempt was made to break my spirit this year. Shatter my world for some personal gain or satisfaction. Well look at my world – now look at yours – now look back at mine.  I will get through the holidays, birthdays, and Papa’s little ones will never feel the loss. That much I know.

This year was also mared by the loss of my friend, my guide through life,  and my last remaining parent, my father. He always did the best he knew how to raise me. Just like I try to do in raising my family now. Dad, you sure could have helped me this year, and he no doubt would have. He always gave me advise, support, and he just figured out the best way to get through adversity. That’s the kind of man he was. You never had to ask for help, he was just  generous in many ways to a fault. That’s why I can never say no to my grand-boys.  They need me and I will always be there for them.  I think of a few times dad got screwed over in his life and he always persevered.  I’d give anything to put this picture in my dad’s wallet and watch him show it off!

As we just passed our twentieth anniversary I had our wedding video digitized. I was afraid of loosing the video forever as VHS tapes do degrade over time. The wedding video is meaningful in many ways. It did record our vows and many precious moment with my wife and daughter Jessy. It also is a memorial to far too many of our guests.

Fortunately there is a silver lining to returning to work. It is June 4th and it is expected to be between 103• and 107• all week. These temperatures usually come around mid July as many of you know. So going back to work maybe the escape I need.

I have many relationships to rekindle that will get me through my first couple of days then it will be work as usual. I have to thank the friends from work that took a moment directly or indirectly to check on me. Some even checked in on a regular basis. Being a day one employee I have solid relationships with co-workers that I been through many casino wars with. I have never been to war but I sure know of the camaraderie. I become’s brilliantly clear who you friends really are.

When I was able to I got to get a few things done. I felt better until I tried to push myself against the doctors orders. I am going back with some uncertainty. I still have no feeling in the top of my right thigh. I seem to get around OK but I am still going to need to see a neurologist to figure out my nerve issue. I also have not been given an all clear on my cancer removal. The prostate has been removed and I was told that the cancer was contained. Case closed right? Wrong! At the precise point of removal microscopic cells existed according to pathology. Were they destroyed when cauterized? The prostate was sent to Johns Hopkins Urology for another opinion. No urgent phone call has been made for a date with radiation which would be the next course of action. My next follow-up appointment is not scheduled until August. Keeping my fingers crossed.

I started this blog in august of 2008. I want to that you all for each of my three thousand hits.

I have one more nagging issue from surgery day. The top of my right thigh is numb 24/7 since I returned to my hospital room. It is not anything that is affecting my day to day routine. However in the evening the same area have waves of vice gripping pain to compliment my numbness. The surgeon tells me that no nerves going to that leg area are near the prostate area? I’m not 100% confident that it is the case. However an explanation that sounds plausible was given. I was rolled from my hospital room to the O.R.. Once there I was shuffled from that bed to the operating table which the last I remember was they were putting arm extenders to support my arms to administer the anestesia. That’s the last I remember. What is the importance of this information? The position on the bed which was not really built for my hight and weight for this procedure is suspect. The fact that the robotic procedure I endured taks close to three hours. So if I was laying motionless on the nerve that is affecting my numbness for the duration – BINGO!

I’ll be in contact with my primary to deal with the issue. I am open to answer any questions anyone who is or is fighting the seek out for a need for treatment. Get checked guy get it checked early. I am hoping that all future tests will show beyond all doubt that I, like my wife, am another cancer surviver.

Today I had my first post-op follow up appointment. Over all I feel fine. I will over share for just a bit. I had been carrying a bulb that was attached to a drain tube. I was also sporting a catheter which those who have been fortunate to have experienced this knows what that is like. For those who have not, ask someone. Well, they were both removed today along with the staples from all six of my abdominal incisions. I carried these appendages around for nine days under loose fitting clothes. A small price to pay to rid my body of cancer. The removal is not a comfortable experience but let me say the quicker the better but there is no good way to do it.

So the report from pathology was not bad but not all the words I was expecting to hear. I am told not to worry but we are going to have to watch and see. I will be continuing to go for PSA tests to keep an eye on things. When I had my biopsies done in December only three of the twelve came back positive. However I was told that pathology found that my prostate contained a large volume of cancer cells. So the news being so different from Decembers news surprised me. The other news I received was that pathology says that, and pardon my quick crude drawing, microscopic cells exist at the location of incision. Now the DaVinci cuts and cauterizes and the microscopic cells may not survive because of the high heat. I was told that my M.D. was sending my prostate to John Hopkins Medical pathology for further study.

I am told that we will watch closely. I should not go home and worry. Worse case scenario would be that radiation would take care of any return or growth of cancer cells. I like the news but only because we don’t live in a perfect world. In a perfect world it would have resulted in a few follow up PSA tests over the next couple years then go away we are done go live your life.

I have had the greatest of support from family and friends. I am not sure of the origin of my make up but as a rule I tend to internalize my emotions as my coping method. But having this blog and being exposed on Facebook I have been better at at expressing myself. I received so much support from friends that I have reunited with on Facebook that I have not seen in over 20 – OK 30 years. I cannot fully comprehend the meaning of knowing that we have led our own journeys since last saw each other but somehow the internet and a ‘social media’ site has brought us a special kind of bonding. We have shared some common ground that never let us forget our community upbringing. The comfort that brought me as I was wheeled into the Operating Room meant so much words cannot express!

I fully expect to heel my wounds and be Cancer free from this point forward. I want to live out my life and add many more years to my now twenty year marriage. I want to watch my daughter continue to raise her own family and eventually devote her later years taking care of her parents. She is actually starting to do that now but she owes us anyway. I must see what becomes of my two GRANDboys. Seeing the world through their eyes may be cliche but nothing else rings truer it is the greatest. I must know their journey so I am going to stay around for a long time. So all my support team here with your feet on the ground and those who helped through their spirit above I bless you all.

My son-in law Bryant took my grandson Adrian to his first big league baseball game. Bryant grew up in California and was born into a family of Angels fans. Like my father took me to my first Cub game I have memories of  going to many Cub games I sadly do not remember my first. So Adrian is very lucky to live in a time where everyone has some means of capturing a moment with a digital camera or smart phone. This Adrian this is you and your dad at your first of many games you will get to see with your dad. My father also, who is gone to heaven, took me to my first hockey, basketball, football games. Chicago baseball was something special. It was old school Wrigley Field, the bleachers, Chicago fans, bringing your glove (never came close), out in the fresh air. There is a memory I see in Bryant’s eyes and it’s a beaming prideful one. As our Vice President would say it’s a big f#%*ing deal. Adrian and Bryant will have this photo and blogpost to know that at the age of four he took his son, who is attempting his first baseball season himself, to his first big league baseball game. Thanks for all my sporting event memories dad. Two years of Bears season tickets freezing our buts off in Soldier Field. Sitting in the nose-bleed seats watching the Blackhawks. But never compromising our rightful place in the bleachers of Wrigley Field, and the left field bleacher for sure.